my vision is so NEBulous

Sometimes I have a lot of free time here in Phnom Penh so I do stuff like eat low-grade beef and view Ben's facebook page. I got on the other day and the first thing I saw on his wall was the list of his "Top 10 Stalkers" and I was #4. I was angry at myself for a couple reasons: (1) I should never be on that list because I look like a total weenie when everybody finds out that Ben's 24 year old doppelganger brother has nothing to do with his time but relive his teenage years vicariously through his little brother's countless photos of high school parties with hot high school girls and wall posts by Bri Hennessy loaded with words that have the last letter repeated so many timessssssss! and (2) If I'm gonna be on that list, I should be higher than Kim ":^)" Houk.

So, as I sit here in a Cambodian cafe, 8 000 miles away from home, watching Cartoon Network and a little boy with no diaper soil himself on the couch next to me, I understand that I may just need to facebook the facts and realize that Neb just might be living up to all the hype. And even though I get a little jealous every time I see "your SO FUNNY Ben!" or "Ben = best boyfriend!" or "Hey Ben, thanks for coming to my #$@&$ party! You're the $@!#$%* BEST!", Ben will always be my favorite Lou Ferrigno look-alike, and even after he takes his talents to Rexburg I'll still be his #4 fannnnnnnn!

Awkward Conversation of the Week

I work with a bunch of girls who are preggers. This can pose problems for various reasons because 1). I get annoyed listening to pregnant women talk about the stupid stuff they make their husbands get them; and b). I'm not smooth at all when I talk to girls.

Last week I sat next to one girl who was a couple days away from her due date. This is the conversation that I innocently began:

Me: So, Sherstine (pronounced like Kristine, but with a "Shear" sound replacing the "Kri" sound), isn't your due date coming up?

Sherstine: Yeah, tomorrow actually.

Me: Oh wow, then tomorrow's do or die.

Sherstine: blankly staring at me

Me: blankly staring at myself. "Oh, that's not a good thing to say. I didn't mean that I thought you or your baby are gonna die or anything."

Sherstine, and like four other pregnant girls: blankly staring at me

Me: Oh geez, this got weird real fast. You know what I'm trying to say right, hehe? (note to self: fake chuckles never alleviate any type of social tension)

Sherstine: Stammering for words. Oh, yeah, yeah. I know what you mean. Don't worry about it.

Me: Good. Yeah, I just wish you a healthy birth.

Sherstine: Thanks, I guess?

Ok, I doubt the phrase "I wish you a healthy birth" has ever been used before. Where did that come from? Oh, well. It's a good thing it was my last day.

Gojira, Gojira!

So my 30 year-old roommate has this pet iguana, i mean chameleon. It is a stupid lizard that does nothing productive with it's time whatsoever. I usually don't have to see it doing nothing at all (which I'm happy about because if I did I would probably flip out and rip its tail off, but then it would probably grow another one and I'd get even more mad. It would be a vicious cycle of anger and growth). But sometimes, when I walk out of the bathroom, I can see into my roommates room and that stupid lizard is just sitting in it's cage doing nothing. I CAN'T STAND IT! Every time I look at it, and we make eye contact or something, it winks at me and I just want to scream. It knows exactly what it's doing. One time, I thought I saw it creepin' across a fake limb to it's water bucket so I slowly walked into the room to catch it actually doing something productive with its time, but as soon as I took two steps, it just stopped and smiled at me! I was furious. I started punching its cage to make it move. Oh, I made it move alright. That stupid lizard fell right on its back and the water bucket fell all over his face. I couldn't tell if it got a tear in its eye or if it was just the water from the bucket, but I'm pretty sure I showed it who's boss (RIP Tony Danza). Now I know why the Japanese scream and yell so much when Godzilla shows its face: they aren't scared, they're just flipping angry that it's bothering them.